Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This baby is an asshole
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
