I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
