but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize