I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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