Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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