boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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