Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize