YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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