Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
