the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
