I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My penis needs a shock collar
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
