just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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