So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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