just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
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