hotel room ftw
Kiss
Puke
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
