some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
