Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
