We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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