I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
