Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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