All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
