she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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