Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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