i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
