so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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