am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You may now shotgun with the bride
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
