we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
