I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
