How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
