i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
