I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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