Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
