omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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