so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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