ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
