first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
