if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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