you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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