Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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