guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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