God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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