honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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