so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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