Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
