I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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