fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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