Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
