Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
