I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
