does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Found the puke drawer
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
