I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
