True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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