I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
