You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
