Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
